Get a bike, do what you like

Sick of paying extortionate taxes to use British roads? Tired of being forced to adhere to the Highway Code? Time to get a bicycle.

It goes without saying that you’ll save a fortune on petrol but more importantly you’ll have no legal, moral or monetary obligations whatsoever. Even though you’ll be using exactly the same roads, and will have identical responsibilities and liabilities as motorists, you will not be required to pay road tax or insurance.

Better still, you’ll be able to flaunt the law at will with minimal risk of prosecution. This is because, for some inexplicable reason, you won’t be required to display a number plate. So, if you cycle dangerously it’ll be nigh on impossible to bring you to justice. Liking what you hear? Read on.

In order to navigate busy junctions you’ll be able to randomly switch between being a road user and being a pedestrian. I recently watched as a cyclist demonstrated the latest way of turning right at traffic lights. He began by riding through a red light and mounting the pavement on the left hand side of the road. Then he dismounted and walked his bike across the road as a pedestrian. He jumped back on, cycled about fifty metres along the pavement while narrowly avoiding passers-by, and then bumped back into the road, swerving to avoid oncoming cars.

Say, you ride across a zebra crossing while someone’s walking across it. Since there is no registration number for witnesses to scribble down, how are the police ever going to trace you and take you to court? This complete anonymity will make you feel very powerful indeed, and will free you up to abuse and insult anyone who complains about your behaviour. So you can go ahead and give the finger to anyone in the street who dares voice a complaint.

You’ll be as free as a bird – able to ride in bus lanes or swerve into the hard shoulder at will. Check your emails while you’re cycling. Maybe put on your headphones and listen to the latest chart releases at full volume. Here’s an idea, attach a flimsy buggy to the back of your bike, strap a couple of young children into it and ride out into heavy traffic.

How about shooting straight through a red light and weaving between any vehicles that happen to be crossing in the opposite direction. It doesn’t matter what you do, other road users will have absolutely no way of identifying you because you have no number plate.

Meanwhile, you can wear a high definition video camera on your helmet and instantly report to the police any motorist who encroaches into the cycle lane by so much as a centimetre.  As a cyclist in the UK the law will be so loaded in your favour it’ll make your head spin. Delicious isn’t it? Ride without lights? No problem. If a car hits you it’ll be the car’s fault. It’s always the car’s fault, because cyclists are cool.

Best of all, over the next few years the government will be spending tens of millions of pounds in order to adapt roads to make them safer for cyclists. Since you won’t be paying any road tax you won’t have to make any contribution at all towards this huge expenditure, and the bill will be 100% picked up by car drivers.

So what are you waiting for? Get a bike. It’s a no brainer.